How Not to Sledge

Ah, the simple art of sledging in cricket. The skill of getting under the skin of an opponent, to force them into an error that they wouldn’t normally make. The public face of sledging at the moment is a man who answers to ‘Pup’. The not so lovable scamp with the ridiculous nickname has displayed all the wit that made Oscar Wilde so cherished with his infamous taunts that were picked up on the stump microphones.

In village cricket, sledging is a completely different beast. It can be an opportunity to share a joke to keep spirits up on a freezing April day. It can be something that is deployed by a junior, desperate to show that they’re part of the team and have learnt the lingo. In many cases the odd comment can come back to haunt you.

Here is why I come in. I myself am a completely hapless village cricketer, whose occasional bouts of competence are few and far between. The day in question was a blisteringly hot Sunday afternoon in late May. One of the club’s most highly regarded members was preparing for a new life in Australia. He and a number of increasingly sozzled companions were toasting his farewell on the sidelines.

As the day progressed this bumper crowd became increasingly vocal, Rossington’s very own version of the notorious Western Terrace. In the middle, things weren’t going very well. Our opponents Brodsworth had found the short boundary offered by the pitch we were playing on rather to their liking. The bowlers suffered during a rather brutal onslaught.

The opening batter in particular was having rather a good time of it. He possessed three things; a good eye, a strong striking ability and a four leaf clover in his back pocket. He was dropped countless times but still carried along on his merry way, bludgeoning anything that came into his path.

Meanwhile a few wickets had started to tumble and our chief tormentor was beginning to look increasingly twitchy as he entered the nineties. Now apart from encouraging my own team-mates, I usually keep my mouth shut on a cricket field. I leave that side of the game to those who can back up their words with their ability. However buoyed by taking a sharp catch earlier in the game, I cleared my throat.

“Come on lads, he’s already had the frantic forties, now look at him stuck in the nervous nineties.”

Admittedly it wasn’t particularly original or witty. It mustered a few laughs, including a wry chuckle from the umpire. I settled back into my position on the square leg boundary, unaware that I’d just sealed my own fate.

The batsman was now on 94, knowing that one more heave into the legside would complete his 100. He picked up on a full delivery, going down on one knee and unleashing a slog sweep that flew towards the square leg boundary. It came relatively quickly and flat but at a lovely catching height near the shoulder. I steadied myself ready to seize the opportunity to bring us back into the game.

I think you can all guess what happened next.

The ball burst through my fingers, agonisingly landing just over the boundary. What should have been a relatively routine catch had proved an insurmountable task for me. I was left looking down at the floor, hoping in vain that it hadn’t really happened.

Helpfully neither the drink-addled supporters nor my teammates let me forget my moment of ignominy. My horror was compounded by the centurion going berserk in the final overs, ending up with an unbeaten 165. We still had to bat, inexplicably put in at three I managed to run myself out in suitably comical fashion.

From then on, I vowed to try to the best of my ability to keep my mouth closed. However sometimes I just can’t resist (especially if someone comes out to bat in one of those ridiculous cycling style helmets), anyway surely it can’t come back to bite me again…

Australia Continue to Punish England on Day 3

Day 3 was another day for all Australian cricket fans to savour. While yesterday was explosive, a day of shock and awe tactics aimed at the English batsmen; today Australia mercilessly ground down England. They never looked like relinquishing the tight control that they have on this match; instead they simply feasted on the opposition bowling before making yet more inroads into the England batting.

There was briefly hope at the beginning of the day for England. Both Chris Rogers (16) and Shane Watson (6) gifted their wickets away with exceptionally soft dismissals to Stuart Broad (2-55) and Chris Tremlett (3-69) respectively. A brief rain delay ensued before England were well and truly put to the sword.

David Warner (124) showed why so much effort has been made to reintegrate him into the side with an excellent hundred. The highlight for the opener will have undoubtedly been a towering straight six off Broad which delighted the crowd. At the other end Michael Clarke (113) showed the type of form that has made him one of the best batsmen in the world.

England went at Clarke straight away, gifting him strike at every possible opportunity. It was all rather village, but perhaps not the best strategy to a man of his class. For his part the Australian skipper fought fire with fire, taking on the short ball and finding the boundary early in his innings, from there he never looked back.

Warner and Clarke were proactive throughout a very aggressive and profitable partnership. They never allowed the bowlers settle, punishing anything loose as well as putting away plenty of good deliveries. Any momentum that England had built earlier was quickly eradicated. The visitors were reduced to just standing around waiting for the inevitable declaration.

Throughout the afternoon, Australia’s lead continued to swell. First Warner reached his ton, fittingly coming off the bowling of his old nemesis Joe Root (0-57). England’s main spinner Graeme Swann (2-135) was taking the brunt of the punishment. Swann went at five runs an over, for once the off -spinner struggled to extract any turn.

Warner and Smith (0) fell in quick succession; however this just allowed debutant George Bailey (34) to make an impression. Bailey quickly found his range by nailing a couple of sixes and provided a good foil for his skipper. Clarke went on to reach three figures in just 115 balls, a sparkling innings full of sweet shots.

Australia looked to up the gears again. Clarke fell to Swann trying to play another big shot. Bailey also fell to the off-spinner, playing inside to one that clipped off stump. Mitchell Johnson (39*) and Brad Haddin (53) combined again for another strong partnership, both scoring at almost a run a ball.

The second new ball was no help to England; instead the ball just flew to the boundary quicker. Eventually the declaration came, Australia setting a colossal and implausible total of 562 for England to win.

With only a short session left to play, England were simply looking to survive. Australia had other ideas. Carberry played on to Ryan Harris (1-7) for a duck to leave England 1-1. This brought Jonathan Trott (9) to the crease, it didn’t take long before he and Johnson (1-7) resumed hostilities.

Sadly for England it didn’t take long for Johnson to get his man. Trott attempted one of his patented flicks into the legside but only managed to pick out Nathan Lyon in the deep. Alastair Cook (11*) and Kevin Pietersen (3*) managed to see off the rest of the day but they’ll know that the sheer size of the task ahead.

England have been in similar scrapes before and managed to pull through, however this situation looks particularly hopeless. Australia have their tails up and England don’t seem to have any response as they face up to the prospect of a heavy defeat.

Now England needs to show some serious fight even if it’s in a losing cause. It’s time to show the Aussies what they’re made of; the alternative doesn’t bear thinking about.

England Capitulate on Disastrous Second Day

Perhaps it’s not a good idea to wind up an opening bowler after all. Just as the taunting from the crowd inspired Stuart Broad on day one, a similar barrage of abuse seemed to only fire up the rejuvenated Mitchell Johnson. Each time that the Barmy Army serenaded the man they love to hate, the left-armer seemed to crank up the pace a little more.

Johnson was almost unrecognisable from the bowler of a few years ago. He was aggressive, relentless and most importantly he was very quick, boy was he quick. Johnson bowled with a searing pace that unsettled England, and left them looking like a quivering wreck amidst all the chaos. At one stage six wickets fell for nine runs in a remarkable sequence of play. England were simply unable to cope under the furious Australian pressure.

Earlier in the day, Brad Haddin (94) narrowly missed out on a hundred after the most ambitious bit of running since Forrest Gump went out for a jog and didn’t stop for three years. Broad (6-81) had also accounted for Ryan Harris (9), leaving Australia all out for what appeared to be an under-par total of 295.

The total was looking more average by the minute as Alastair Cook (13) and Michael Carberry (40) made serene progress in the first ten overs. Of course the problem of back-to-back Ashes series for the batters is that their weaknesses from the previous series are likely to rear their ugly heads again and again. This was the case for Cook who was caught nibbling at the ball outside his off stump, the always impressive Harris (3-28) doing the damage.

The low-key start to the innings was merely the calm before the storm. As he did so successfully in the One-Day series in England, Johnson (4-61) went at Jonathan Trott (10). It was a terrific battle. Trott has stubbornly refused to change his style of scuttling across the crease, yet again it was his downfall. Australia have intelligently turned Trott’s biggest strength of flicking the ball through the onside into his biggest weakness. On the eve of lunch, after already wearing a bouncer and looking increasingly frantic at the crease; Trott finally nicked one of his hips to the gleeful Brad Haddin.

Kevin Pietersen (18) couldn’t shine on his 100^th Test. He squandered an earlier lifeline when he was dropped by Peter Siddle (1-24) by clipping the ball to George Bailey at midwicket off the bowling of Harris.

Australia sensed blood. The crowd sparked into life again. Carnage was to ensue. It was like the clock was being wound back to the time when Australia were on top of the world. They were irresistible, a ferocious tide that simply engulfed the opposition. Carberry fell after a continued spell of hostile pressure from Johnson.

Nathan Lyon (2-17) came into the game, profiting from the extra bounce afforded by the Gabba. England’s form man from the last series Ian Bell (5) offered up a simple bat/pad catch for Steve Smith. Matt Prior (0) then followed Bell’s lead with an almost identical dismissal off his very first ball.

Johnson soon accounted for Joe Root (2) and Graeme Swann (0) to leave England teetering on 91-8. At this stage avoiding the follow on seemed to be a huge task. Broad (32) and Chris Tremlett (8) at least avoided that ignominy. England’s innings was soon complete though, recording a paltry score of 136 as they folded completely under the intense Aussie pressure.

Australia’s bowling is a lot stronger than their batting and so it proved here. The quick pitch at the Gabba certainly suited their attack; they hounded England into submission and dealt several psychological scars to the opposition batsmen. This could be Australia’s version of the infamous Bodyline series, England wilted under the short stuff and can expect plenty more of it between now and the end of the series.

Chris Rogers (15*) and David Warner (45*) compounded England’s misery by safely negotiating the rest of the day to close on 65-0. Australia’s lead is a mammoth 224, with the aggressive batters they have and with said batters now in a rare position of being under little pressure that lead could grow very quickly on day three.

There is a forecast of thunderstorms for the rest of this Test. Perhaps the biggest storm happened in the afternoon session today. Still at least the weather forecast will provide a crumb of comfort to shell-shocked England supporters who will be limbering up for a prolonged rain dance just in case. Mind you, should the weather not provide an escape, it’s worth noting that England got 517-1 batting second at the Gabba three years ago. And that pitch still looks very flat to me…

Aussie Press’s Taunting Merely Spurs Broad On

A great cacophony of boos rang around the Gabba as his name was read out. The ‘great fraud’, the man who wouldn’t walk, the man who certain sections of the local press refused to name, instead referring to him as the ’27 year-old English medium-pace bowler’. Unfortunately for the Aussies, Stuart Broad rather likes being the pantomime villain. The preordained chorus of disgust that reigned down from the stands served only to spur him on.

Broad revelled in the hate and bile thrown at him as he ripped through the Australian top order. It wasn’t long before he got his moment of triumph; hoisting the ball up high as Mitchell Johnson became his fifth victim, accompanied by yet more booing. By then Australia were eight down, and left rueing yet another failure by their flaky batting line-up.

The day started rather differently for Australia, Michael Clarke won the toss on a very flat looking wicket and chose to bat. Despite the early loss of Chris Rogers (1), Shane Watson and David Warner were putting Australia in a very solid position as lunch approached. Then either side of the interval a cluster of wickets came which decimated the top and middle order.

First Watson (22) edged to Swann at slip on the eve of lunch. Not long after the players returned, Broad ruthlessly exposed Clarke’s (1) susceptibility to the short ball with a towering bouncer. Warner (49) let go a promising start which included a number of flourishing boundaries by tamely lolloping the ball to Pietersen, become Broad’s fourth victim in the process. James Anderson (2-61) got into the act by putting George Bailey (3) out of his misery. The latest man to fill Australia’s number six spot looked about as steady as a drunken sailor on the high seas before he finally perished.

Chris Tremlett (1-51) got some reward for a patient day’s bowling with the wicket of Steve Smith (31). Tremlett was accurate throughout most of the day, but did seem to lack the frightening zip and pace that made him such a menacing presence three years ago.

At 132-6, it looked as though the wheels had well and truly come off. The dramatic collapse was alleviated though as Australia fought back. A stoic partnership between Brad Haddin (78*) and Johnson (64) repelled England throughout much of the afternoon and evening. Graeme Swann (0-80) had one of his more frustrating days. He was clearly targeted and had a fascinating battle with Johnson, the returning Aussie showed that he was comfortable to hit over the top with a couple of finely struck sixes.

The partnership of 114 gave Australia hope, but it wasn’t to survive the second new ball. Broad (5-65) returned with renewed vigour. A full delivery that swung back a little demolished Johnson’s stumps as he enjoyed his moment in the baking Brisbane sun. Anderson accounted for Peter Siddle (7) late on; skipper Alastair Cook clinging on to his third catch of the day in the slips.

Haddin remained though; leaving Australia to close on 273-8. The veteran keeper can be pleased with his defiant knock whilst knowing that he really needs to add to his 78 runs so far in the morning. England can reflect on a great first day. They were notably relaxed in the build-up to this game and executed their plans perfectly.

The Aussie press will now be very worried, He Who Must Not Be Named may well steal the headlines many more times before this series is over.  

Why Graham Onions Deserves To Be in the Ashes Squad

Whilst England continue to step up their preparations for the Ashes with their final warm-up game, Graham Onions is currently slugging it out for the Dolphins franchise in South African domestic cricket. Onions was not an unexpected omission from the Ashes squad, but he is certainly the most unfortunate of those who got left behind.

It has been a long and frustrating battle back to the top after a debilitating and career-threatening back injury. It came at the worst possible time in early 2010; Onions was beginning to establish himself in the international set-up after making his Test debut in 2009 against the West Indies. He went on to play a major role in England’s Ashes success later in the summer.

He then went on to secure a place in English cricket folklore, by saving not one but two Tests against South Africa. By batting out the final deliveries of the two respective matches from No.11, he delivered a calmness and steely determination that was lacking in some of his more senior colleagues.

His reward for these efforts was to be dropped for the final Test of the series, which England promptly lost. Then came the back injury, it would be nearly two and a half years before he played Test cricket again, although this was only a solitary game against the West Indies when the series had already been won.

He was in and around the squad all this summer, yet never got a game for England. Instead Onions had to settle on simply being on the outside looking in. All the while the accurate fast bowler was busy combining his drinks carrying duties with another extraordinary season for Durham.

He took 70 wickets in the County Championship at an average comfortably below 20. It is a magnificent record; the form of Onions undoubtedly one of the key reasons why Durham clinched the title.

Yet when it came to the announcement for the squad Down Under, the England selectors ignored this impressive form and went for a predictable if somewhat risky decision. James Anderson aside, they selected a group of giant fast bowlers in Stuart Broad, Steven Finn, Boyd Rankin and Chris Tremlett. This left the English seam attack looking increasingly like the Monstars from Space Jam, as England look to fully exploit the much livelier and bouncier pitches that they will likely encounter in Australia.

There is clearly a feeling that Australia’s flaky top-order aren’t the biggest fans of hostile fast bowlers (mind you who is?), especially Captain Michael Clarke. England repeatedly went after Clarke with the short ball all summer, and often had success giving credence to this particular tactic. However this sledgehammer strategy does lack a lot of finesse.

If the pitches aren’t as quick and bouncy as they’re expected to be, then what? England’s attack is in danger of looking very samey with the enforced absence of Tim Bresnan through injury and the non-selection of Onions.

In these days of DRS, the value of an accurate wicket-to-wicket bowler increases. Add into the fact that Shane Watson’s front leg is more deeply rooted than most of Sherwood Forest, then there is no doubt that Onions would be a major asset for this side. I’m not arguing that he should be in the side for every Test, but there are few who deserve a place in the squad more than Onions.

Andy Flower and the England selectors seem to have a real disdain for County cricket, to the extent where this blind-spot could become a weakness. Onions is the biggest victim of this and must be left wondering if he’s destined to never add to the nine Test caps that he already has.

I for one hope that his spell at Dolphins is interrupted by a delayed call-up, after all it’s the very least he deserves.

Ponting’s Last Hurrah Ends In Defeat

All four corners of the WACA stood together in appreciation for one of Australia’s true cricketing greats. Ricky Ponting soaked up the atmosphere as he took to the field for the final time to a guard of honour from the South African team. This was a day to say farewell, the game was almost certainly gone with the home team chasing a huge total of 632 to complete the most unlikely of wins.

This was a chance for the second highest run scorer in the history of Test cricket to bow out with his head held high. There was little pressure, just the hope that maybe ‘Punter’ could score one last hundred to help delay the inevitable. Sadly it simply wasn’t to be, less than forty minutes and only eight runs later, Ponting edged Robin Peterson to slip where arguably the sport’s greatest all-rounder, Jacques Kallis took a fine catch.

There was a flash of frustration on the face of the great man, perhaps even anger before finally a resigned acceptance that this was the end. The South African team rushed to him to shake his hand, to wish him the best, to thank him for being such a brilliant opponent. Eventually he slowly trudged off back to the pavilion to another standing ovation, pausing to salute the Perth faithful, arms aloft.

From there the South Africans pressed on, showing why they are the best Test team in the world by completing a crushing 309 run win to take the series 1-0. They have gone unbeaten over the whole of 2012 and will seek to build a dominant side to match Ponting’s own imperious Australian team. The Aussies themselves have a lot to consider; the high they felt last year after the crushing defeat of India has well and truly evaporated ahead of back-to-back Ashes series in 2013.

Ponting can look back on his career with a huge amount of satisfaction. Over 13,000 Test runs and 41 Test 100s give an indication of just how good he really was. Add in three World Cups, an Ashes whitewash as skipper and all manner of records and accolades, and you really start to see the scale of his achievements in the game.

Sure there will be detractors who question his ability as captain. He will always be remembered as a man who lost three Ashes series to England and of course the man who was run out by English cult hero Gary Pratt. It is fair to say that the transition between Australia’s golden era to now has been challenging to say the least. However if you’re replacing the great Glenn McGrath with the likes of Ben Hilfenhaus then it’s understandable that results might start to go South.

Perhaps Ponting should have retired after the Ashes humbling two years ago but he simply felt he couldn’t go out like that. His form since has been patchy, there were flashes of brilliance against India with yet another double century. However his form dipped again culminating in this series where his top score was a meagre 16.

The Ponting that will be remembered will not be the shadow that has taken to the field in recent weeks, but the imperious warrior who plundered runs all over the world for almost two decades. He was a great fighter if not a great leader. A man who we loved to hate but secretly always wished that he was on our side. Now’s the time for Ponting to put his feet up, relax and enjoy his retirement. You will be sorely missed Ricky.

Shane Warne- From Spin Bowler to Spin Doctor

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes and Shane Warne criticising Alastair Cook’s captaincy. Everyone’s favourite Australian commentator/comedy act has delivered again this week, spouting the sort of ludicrous nonsense that we’ve become accustomed to hearing from him since he hung up his boots.

Warne has stated that in his not so humble opinion, Alastair Cook should be sacked as England captain immediately and replaced with either Graeme Swann or Kevin Pietersen. Warne said that Cook was simply too negative and England would never become the best side in the world under his leadership.

This isn’t the first time that Warne has spouted off about Cook, indeed in recent months he has mentioned it to such an extent that he is starting to sound less like a broken record but increasingly like a section of prose by David Peace. So if we take away the sheer ridiculousness of suggesting that the ECB sack their captain two weeks before the start of an Ashes series, does Warne begin to have a point?  

Cook’s captaincy hasn’t always been inspired, indeed one of the hallmarks of the regime of Andy Flower has been conservatism at times. However the other rather noticeable aspect on the Flower/Cook partnership has been winning and plenty of it.

Indeed in the last ten test matches that he has led England, Cook has faced two captains who have been widely lauded for their aggressive and dynamic captaincy. Brendon McCullum and Michael Clarke set interesting fields and tried a number of unorthodox things in their quest to defeat England. They were praised and loved for their attacking instincts, while Cook faced some criticism for a job that he has occupied for barely a year. Between them over the course of five matches each against Cook, Messrs McCullum and Clarke won a grand total of zero test matches against Cook. That’s right, nada.

So what can we draw from this? Basically the Englishman is a winning captain. By hook or by crook, Cook finds a way to win Test matches. At Durham, when Australia appeared to be cruising to a victory that would have kept the series alive, what did Cook do? Panic? No, as usual he found a way to win. 

While Clarke and Australia were being whitewashed in India, Cook was busy reflecting on a historic 2-1 win on the sub-continent, not bad for a man with “negative” and “boring” tactics.

On a wider note this barrage of criticism from Warne reveals something that we already knew, the extent to which the Australians fear Cook. This is the man that plundered runs with an alarming ease during the last series Down Under, and is now set to be the man who captains a side to multiple Ashes series victories. The unassuming man from Gloucester really has Australia rattled, if anything the criticism is the most sincere of compliments.

He may not be Michael Clarke, but then again he does win test matches. Ask any English fan whether they’d rather win 3-0 with Cook’s ‘brand’ of cricket or lose 3-0 playing Clarke’s way. I think we all know which they’d prefer.

As for Warne, it’s sad to see such a legend of the game diminish himself by spouting such drivel. A man who has over 700 Test wickets has become Liz Hurley’s real-life Ken doll and continues to invite ridicule whenever he speaks. He has gone from world-class spin bowler, to second-rate spin doctor, each rant looks more embittered than the last.

So sit back and enjoy as Warne completes his transformation into an increasingly naff Malcolm Tucker, and don’t be surprised if he advocates replacing Cook with Dan Miller before the series is over.   

It’s Time for England Fans to Embrace Winning

It is a rather curious feeling for fans of English cricket to approach an Ashes series with confidence. It is a strange, tingling sensation caveated by the mental scars accumulated from almost twenty years of consecutive, savage beatings at the hands of the Australians. It is so peculiar, that this summer while England were suitably dispatching the at times hapless tourists, everyone just didn’t know what do to with themselves.

A bizarre sort of sympathy for the Australians broke out among some, a sort of shouldering of arms with the old enemy. “We know how it feels, don’t worry us Poms won’t be at the top for long!” Of course the default position when beating Australia is to grind them into the dirt, bat for days, and generally display the sort of ruthlessness that defined the Australians’ of the 90s and early 00s.

The weirdness of this response to being in the ascendancy hit its peak, when some even went to the point of wishing Australia would start winning to keep the series alive. It was all rather English of course. A dull approach to winning where the aim is to make sure we don’t enjoy it too much as this could all come back to bite us on the arse again in the future.

The problem with that attitude is that it really isn’t any fun at all. This cautious attitude is infectious. It sweeps across the nation and saps away the enjoyment of it all. The greatest Australian sides displayed the sort of self-assured arrogance that is usually only reserved for irritating MTV reality show participants. They were brilliant and they made sure everyone else knew they it.

Glenn McGrath would confidently predict a 5-0 Whitewash before every series and invariably the Aussies would have retained the urn after just three tests. Eventually a Whitewash did come, the wounded Australians gained revenge for 2005 in emphatic style. Promptly half the team retired handing the initiative back to an England side badly lacking in self-belief. The dream team of Strauss and Flower duly completed the revitalisation of English cricket, building on the groundwork laid by Fletcher, Hussain and Vaughan.

Three Ashes series were won on the trot, the pinnacle being a 3-1 win Down Under. Australia transformed themselves into the England of the dark ages, reports into the state of the game were commissioned, selection appeared to be done through some sort of raffle and most importantly defeats came at an alarming rate.

The aura of invincibility wasn’t so much lifted but decimated. The previously feared Baggy Green became the most comical bit of headwear since Charlie Chaplin started playing around with a bowler hat. The unquestionable faith in the team was broken, the fans turned their backs (just look at the crowd for the 5^th day of the 1^st Test in 2010/11). The arrogance was replaced with a real fear of the opposition.

So now really is the time for the whole of English cricket to grow a swagger and a confidence badly lacking this summer.  Let us mock them, rub their noses in it, and don’t produce such faux outrage if the players occasionally urinate on the pitch during victory celebrations (it was a lot more raucous in 2005 and nobody cared then).  This is the time to dare I say it, embrace our inner Australians and really enjoy this period of superiority.

However if it is to all go wrong and the Aussies rally to an unlikely victory, well at least we’ll have had a lot of fun taunting them along the way.